In Love and Narcissism
I tried to hold space for you and lost myself. i started to hold space for myself and lost you.
Good riddance.
Thanks for reading <3
A Song For The Road:
Today is the day! You’re finally dating someone else. Maybe she is stronger than I was.
When we broke up, I went to therapy. I thought life had ended. I felt like a broken shell crashing against the ocean rocks, completely untethered. It wasn’t until my therapist was staring at me, eyes wide in surprise as I told her our story, that I finally realized how toxic we were for each other and how perfectly we ignited each other’s trauma. Everything started to untangle and make sense. You were scared to be seen when that’s all I ever wanted.
I’m hoping by writing this I will think about you less, actually let go of the hurt and move forward with the lessons I learned. You were a harsh truth that I couldn’t lean on anyone but myself. You forced me to stand up for myself when I knew what was best for me because you often disagreed. It was a great lesson in not losing myself and in trusting that I know exactly what I need. With you, I often felt like I was in a tornado, constantly reminding myself that I wasn’t crazy, that I don’t expect too much. At the same time realizing that I expected too much from you.
When I think about the start of our relationship, I should’ve known what was coming. We never talked about it. We both questioned each other’s feelings for weeks until I finally said something. You had spent the night. You said, “I don’t sleep around. I’m not casual about sex.” I said, “I don’t date casually. I’m not casual about relationships.” So that was that. A few days later you told me that you wish we hadn’t slept together. I didn’t know what to say, or how to feel. Within the week you had clothes at my house. Within a month, your cat was there too. After a few months we agreed that you actually lived there, but you didn’t want to change your address- just in case. Rose-colored-glasses, man. How did I not see it?
You never wanted to talk to me unless it was your personal stream of drunken/druggy consiousness. You wanted to talk about “things that mattered” and our relationship never made that list. I spent months trying to articulate this to you, trying to convey the hurt I felt because you never wanted to spend time with me. I did start screaming. I did act crazy. I did whatever I thought I had to to get you to look at me, to say anything. I was so deep in the spiral of wanting you to understand how I was feeling, I literally started beating myself. Some of those bruises took all year to heal and I don’t think you ever understood why I did it. You took it as a threat, “You’re next.” when in reality it was just another dysfunctional tactic to get you to care for or about me, to get you to prove your “I love you.” through actions.
When I finally understood what was happening, it was far too late. I had become a monster in your eyes. You were telling your friends that I had ripped you from the bed in the middle of the night. You never told them about the 9 - 9% IPAs you had drank or that you had passed out mid conversation with me. You never told them how you destroyed the room, put a hole in the bathroom wall, after my mom intervened and pulled me upstairs. I wish I had just let you pass out. I wish you could have understood the level of fear I had when you just stopped responding to me. The more you ignored me, the more I tried to be noticed. It was a perfect hell.
I tangled myself into knots trying to be what I thought you wanted me to be, while struggling to get you to see that this wasn’t who I am. I give myself some grace for going insane. That’s a lot for a girl to reconcile.
I spent hours of my life talking about you with friends, with family, to the point that I damaged some important relationships coming to your defense. A year later and I’m still trying to fix some of the damages I caused on your behalf. I know you never asked me to, but I couldn’t let everyone I love hate the man I wanted to marry. And even worse, I couldn’t let them be right about you, which they were every damn time.
Sometimes I think, if only I hadn’t been drinking, but you swore to me that you’d never stop. It takes two people to have a relationship. I thought I could be enough to make you want to be there too.
Mt. Pisgah, Winthrop, ME - July 2024
From a gallery in London, 2019 - Artist Jenny Holzer
In the past year, things got harder for a while, and in some ways it’s still harder, but now my life has more joy in it than I ever thought possible. I am reconnected to myself, my goals, my purpose. You were meant to be these lessons for me, and though I’m sorry it had to hurt so much, I am grateful for the couple years we had together. You were right about way more than I ever thought. We still agree on a lot more than it appears, we just got tired of fighting our way to the middle. I wish you all the luck. Don’t try to hide everything from this girl too, okay? A whole kid is a hard secret to keep.
May this be the day I actually move on. I’m done feeling hurt. I was not a victim, but a very active participant in this whole relationship. I know how to be better than that now. What a journey!
Thank God, I’m just a girl and we’re only human.
