Where do you put 10 years of time that never happened?
I have dreaded writing this one for 10 years. I haven’t even started writing yet and I’m sobbing. Time can’t heal everything.
Thanks for reading <3
A Song For The Road:
10 years. A whole decade. Just over 1/3 of my life without you.
Most people my age don’t understand. Sometimes there is no fixing, there just is. Pain. Love. Grief. Three words to describe the same thing.
I barely remember the sound of your voice. I hear your words, but my own voice, my cadence and my meaning, has overtaken yours. I always thought I would celebrate this day, but I always thought you’d be here to see it. I think you would be proud of me.
I also think you would be afraid for me. I think Earth you was really afraid, and you did a really good job teaching me the dangers, but making sure I didn’t carry your fears with me. I’m not afraid. But I miss you. Losing you made me so much more brave than I ever wanted to be, but I think that is part of why I did.
It is unfathomable that most of the people I know will never meet you. My favorite person. My best friend. My Dad.
I’m glad you aren’t here to see this world though. You’d be so self-righteous. lol You were right about almost everything. I remember as a kid telling you about a book idea I had. You said it was a great idea, but be careful. “People get all kinds of strange about religion, Ally. Write whatever you want, but be careful.” We both know I’m not listening. I think you would understand why I’m being so loud - about everything. I wasn’t drama. I wasn’t trauma. I am worse and I will continue to be awesome at it for the sake of the world and my own preservation.
10 years. My whole adult life. Without your guidance. Without your hugs - “Careful, your father is a broken man.” You taught me how to be so gentle, even when all I wanted to do was squeeze you so tight. You understood my anger when everyone else told me it was too much. You always told me I looked pretty when I got dressed up. You taught me how to cook, how to walk in heels, and how to change a tire or reload the nail gun. You told me to “Be a Good Christian, because that is what your mother wants.” But, if anyone ever lays a hand on you, “You better hit ‘em back twice as hard.”
I’ll always hope to be as smart as you. I hope I build a life with as much meaning as your had. I know you are proud of me, most of the time. But fuck Dad, I really miss you, and this really fucking sucks.
In Grandma’s backyard… some family dinner… We had so many back in these days. We were always together. Always schlepping across town to make sure everyone who wanted to be there was, and even if you didn’t want to, you probably were anyway. At least the food was good, even if you couldn’t play video games. ;)
