Of Course I Am Mentally Ill
Officially Diagnosed: C-PTSD, PMDD, Grief-related depression and anxiety
Unofficially Diagnosed, but Suspected by Previous Therapists: ADHD, Autism, OCD, General Depression and Anxiety
Thanks for reading <3
A Song For The Road:
The problem with getting a diagnosis, is that you have to pay for it. When you don’t have the money for the assessment(s), you can’t get a diagnosis, even when it’s really fucking obvious.
If you aren’t diagnosed by a medical professional - nobody fucking cares, nobody believes you, and you have no “right” to get accommodations. So life is just hard. It is just baseline, traumatic and stressful and hard.
Going from the “Golden-child”, the “good girl”, straight up “teacher’s pet” and “Daddy’s little girl” to being a grown adult woman is fucked up. I spent so much time wrapping myself in these boxes, contorting myself to be perfect so nobody would yell at me, so I wouldn’t be “in trouble”.
I was always ashamed of who I was. The only person I ever wanted to like me was my big brother, and he made it clear that I was an ugly, stupid nerd that nobody would want to be friends with. Even though I had friends, I still believed him. I thought these people are only my friend because I do things for them.
As an adult, I’m not doing things for others, because clearly I’m struggling to do for myself. I have not transitioned into the “real world” gracefully in any capacity. I have been kicking and screaming the whole way. I am unsupported.
Like sure, I have people who love me and call and say “Don’t worry it’ll get better.” or “You’re so strong.” or “insert vauge, cliche advice here” but I mean, I don’t have insurance (Lost it paying the utility bill. I couldn’t keep up and Madison just kept “forgetting” that I brought it up again.) I can’t afford a therapist if I can’t afford insurance. I tried to get myself some help and ended up landing myself $500 in medical debt because I keep literally collapsing.
My dad used to do it. He’d be walking and all of a sudden, he’d be falling, but he learned to walk thru it and so that’s what I’m doing. But I can feel my face go numb and I can’t control it, I’m having sleep paralysis for 30min at a time, I’m crying uncontrollably, and this is usually when I feel my best - I just finished my period.
With the whole Madison-Rommate shit - I’m just finally breaking down completely. I said back in February that I wasn’t doing well. That I needed her and Derek to step up more around the apartment - the changes never lasted and I felt more and more unsupported, unseen, and unloved each time.
In all fairness, Madison didn’t back out of the year lease alone. I said months ago that I didn’t want to do this anymore. I don’t like living with someone who makes me feel crazy, who never follows thru on what they say, and who needs their Dad for force them to keep their word.
She will never understand the stress that I am under right now, until the day her parents cut her off, and they won’t until she is financially stable. She has no understanding of not having a home to go back to. Her parents won’t let her move home, but they help her financially when she needs it. My mom can’t help me financially and she go kicked out the same as I did. She was just as lost trying to figure out where to go, what to do.
She sat on that couch with me, her dad, and Derek and said she would stay until we could get enough money for a new place. Whether that meant a 6 months lease, whether that meant an extra month. So I started crunching numbers, I started looking at places, I started asking my whole family for money. I determined that Oct 31st, we would have enough for a new place and we could all move out.
Now, in this discussion the words were said, “Having sit down conversations like this makes me too anxious It ruins my whole day and my whole night.” It was presented that we should just text about these things.
So, the second I got confirmation that I would indeed have a couple hundred extra from my family, I sent a text to her, her dad, and Derek to update everyone as soon as I was updated.
Her response was short, cold, and unreasonable. “I will not be remaining in this apartment, no further information will be given.” I only asked because if she was planning to stay at our current development, but transfer to a new apartment, that is a different option on the form than just “vacating the apartment”. I’m not asking because *I* want to know. I’m asking so i can get the form filled out.
She responded to that with “Well we need to let them know by the 1st, so…” Like bro, exactly, that is why I sent the text and asked. But it was too late. The text thread already devolved. She brought up everything we had already discussed as if it had never been resolved. She threw so many things in my face that were uncalled for. I haven’t made a single move in this apartment without consulting her, and I can’t say I’ve received the same level of respect in our shared space. I made it clear in several different messages that she needed to stop. The conversation was not productive, in fact, it was just downright disrespectful.
That is when she said, “I have no obligation to stay an extra month. I won’t stay.” Which is a direct threat to Derek and I’s safety. We don’t have anywhere to go, we don’t have a car, we don’t have parents that can give us a down-payment, even if we paid them back over time. When I expressed that I felt this was a threat (The same threat pulled on the way home fro the airport that sent me absolutely spiraling) she responded, “lol” and then attacked Derek for not finding a job sooner. I left the chat. I removed myself. I did what I was supposed to do. I had a convulsive panic attack about being homeless again. Derek just held me and helped me breathe. I thought for sure I was having a seizure. I was completely unglued. I was just homeless last year, that’s how I ended up here in the first place. I came carrying a lot of trauma and I’ve tried really hard to not make it everyone’s problem, but in Feb, May, and June I sucked at that.
She came home, letting the front door slam as usual, and started yelling at my bedroom door. Trying anything to be right. “They don’t do month-to-month.” Which, yeah, I know. A new development just bought out our previous development and now they don’t do month-to-month. I just talked with them again since it’s all new and they said they could extend our lease 1 month if we let them know right now.
Her response, “Well they’re going to charge us $3,500 to do it” So she knew they’d extend us for a month….
We already pay $3,400/month. Derek and I were fully ready to pay the full extra $100 for the month we asked for. Madison never let the conversation get that far.
“Derek did you know she wanted to cheat on you? She told me!” He laughed at her, because yeah he did know. Unlike you, I communicate my feelings to those who I believe love me enough to care. He knew, and he has been putting a lot of effort into remedying our issues. I have been putting a lot of effort into being patient for him because he deserves that. Wtf did that have to do with anything? It didn’t. She said herself, when she gets angry she will say and do anything to win, to be right. I shouldn’t have let it get to me because I knew exactly what she was doing and I fell for it exactly like she wanted me to.
I’m not even sure what she said next. I was already so angry and triggered and upset. I fucking lunged at her. I was going to tackle her to the ground and punch her in the face. Her dad said he would make her stay until Oct 31. But I don’t him not to bother. You can’t force integrity that doesn’t exist.
So, now I feel like an ass for trying to beat her up. I still want to beat her to shit, but I won’t. I regained my self control because the shame of my actions is too much to bear. I don’t want to be that person. I am not a hateful human. I need to learn how to tolerate injustice or I’m going to ruin my life.
But yeah, in a week I went from thinking that I had a year to get it together, to two months to get it together, to 1 month to get it together. And then I come home that night and the instant pot is gone. And then the next night I come home and all the cooking utensils are gone. And the plates and bowls and silverware. And the ice trays I use.
So I thought I had a month to repurchase all the items for an apartment but I had less than 24 hours. Just paid rent, less than $5 to my name, and a whole apartment to save for by the end of the month, and I couldn’t even keep my routines like I said I was going to in the group text.
So yeah. She’s right. I am having a mental breakdown. This is too much to bear. We’ve known each other since 8th grade and I am feeling like she has lied thru her teeth to us all year. Apparently everything is a problem and every time I tried to figure out what was going on, I was just “prying” and that “isn’t your information to know.” Fuck me I guess.
I am working so hard at not losing my cool. I have gotten to the point where I know when I’m reaching my limit and I say so. But if you keep saying shit to me as I’m trying to get my phone and walk out the door, I’m going to snap. I said I was, and I did. You stepped up to me Madison. So don’t go crying cared now. You were plenty brave trying to put me on the street and ruin my relationship with Derek.
But none of this even matters because I’m just mentally ill.
Nov 27, 2025 - Burbank, CA
