A Good Bitch Sesh
Man, I’m just really tired of feeling doomed.
Thanks for reading <3
A Song For The Road:
I don’t like being upset. Who does? But I’m getting fucking bored of being pissed off and annoyed and feeling like mommy. I don’t want to teach anyone else how to fucking communicate. I’m not even that good at it. Jesus Christ.
I’m still trying to figure out how to share my hurt feelings in a neutral way. I do think this is fucked up patriarchal conditioning tho, so I don’t think I’m actually trying that hard. I’m not here to pretend that I’m not angry. But I am trying to not directly yell AT another person. That part isn’t chill at all. But, yelling in general, in the presence of another person, well there aren’t many people who are down to just be pissed off together for a bit. Too busy trying to “regulate” that yall forget, allowing yourself to express your feelings is the best regulation tool. Feeling angry and deep breathing about it isn’t going to work for everyone. I’m gonna need to punch a pillow and scream into it a few times. Sorry not sorry.
The only time I was ever really in trouble as a child was when I got ridiculously upset. When I felt overlooked, or ignored, or shut down, I acted the fuck out. When I was mad at my brother and he laughed at me instead of apologizing. Oh man, that would make me so much more upset. I’d escalate and that’s when I’d be in trouble. I still feel it in my body. A raging fire, licking my emotional bones. My body temp starts to rise, heart rate goes up, ugh ugh ughhhhh. Deep breath, you can’t change the past, get over it, Ally.
Here’s the thing, I’m not going to “feel better” about the fact that our government is trying to enslave the planet. I’m not going to “feel better” about the fact that my dad is dead. I’m not going to “feel better” about my relationship with someone who doesn’t put in any effort. I will continue to get better at holding shitty feelings, but they will never be gone forever. Some things suck, and that is just it. “Feel better.” That’s ridiculous. Life is fucking hard and I’m tired of pretending like this shit doesn’t matter and like it shouldn’t affect other parts of our lives. We don’t live in compartments.
idk. There are so many voices all the time. No matter what the issue is, there are so, so many voices. Nobody remembers how to communicate or relate, we’re all just angry (Really we’re scared.) and yelling at each other.
I’ve been seeing the same cycles play out in my everyday life, in my personal relationships, in my workplace dynamics, on the national stage, in family relationships - it’s all the same issues. Isn’t this exhausting to anyone else?
Where is the nuance? Where is the room to make a mistake and fix it? Where is the grace? Where is the effort?
Honestly, I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know what the best course of action is. But I do know that we are all humans on this planet. We all need the water, the air, the books, the other people.
May 8, 2021 - Ithaca, NY
