A Morning Monologue From My Brain
I am not claiming good faith. I’m just processing my thoughts without telling myself I’m a bitch.
Thanks for reading <3
A Song For The Road:
I will be stuck on something until I feel like I figured it out. I have recently learned the term “scrupulosity” and oh boy… I am obsessed with being a “good person” and I think everyone else should be too. And I mean, actually obsessed. It causes me extreme mental duress, anxiety, I’ve had a few panic attacks, I perseverate as has been the theme of the week. It’s a real issue. (Extra fuck you to the people who have called me mean. It has taken me so much work to be able to stand up for myself, for fear of being a “bad person”. I’m only human.)
So, with this whole not-rommate situation, I am really struggling. You feel like it isn’t your apartment? You insisted that he had to live here, we didn;t even look anywhere else. Everything in it is yours, my stuff is in storage, and you picked where just about everything was gonna go. You feel like you can’t be in the kitchen, or the living room? I’m sorry I cook dinner and wash my dishes every day? I’m a homebody to begin with, but now I’m a broke homebody. Excuse me for enjoying the apartment I spend $1900/month on. I’ve told you a million times that you can take over the TV when you get up. I’ve already been awake for 5-6 hours by the time you guys get up. I’ve been leaving the singing bowls and the lofi on because you kept saying that you liked it, but I always told you, feel free to turn it off if you wanna game or whatever. So, I just don’t understand what I have been doing that makes you feel this way.
The times I lost my shit, they were not “out of nowhere”. They came after me asking for support many, many times and not feeling seen. So I have been trying really hard to just do my own thing, and to stop doing the things that were making me feel that way.
I was pissed off that the windows were always being left open with the ACs running, so I stopped opening the windows at night. It was convenient that the air quality was shit for a while. And when I catch to bathroom window left open, I just started closing it. I stopped asking and stopped reminding. It was the same with the living room light fully on when I got up in the morning, or the nightlight setting still going when I got home at 1pm and the sun fully up. It literally happened last night. I didn’t spend any time in the common spaces yesterday. Once you got up, I cleared out, went to my room for my meeting. Wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable by existing, ya know? You spent the whole evening in the living room, and when you transitioned to your room, you just left the light on. We were already in bed, watching a movie. It would be nice if you felt the responsibility to turn it to night mode, since you’re the one who insists on having night lights in the first place. You could also just turn it off. But it shouldn’t be my job to turn it off in the middle of the night when I go to pee, and if I’m running late in the morning and the light is still on, it would’ve been awesome if you felt like it was your responsibility to turn it off for the day.
I am the one who has been paying the water/power bill most of the time we have lived here. I made it clear that was financially unsustainable for me and that it was too much. Almost $200 every month, this July/Aug was more. And for what? I work 6 days a week and when I wasn’t working, I was knocked out. I was not the one using that much power and water.
I was annoyed at always having to wash all the dishes, and that you never helped with clean-up when I cooked for everyone, even making special exclusions to suit your tastes. I finally stopped. I started leaving your dishes in the sink because it would make me annoyed to wash them. And I said that if you weren’t willing to help clean after, at least just your dishes, then please stop eating when I cook. I’ll just cook what I want and I’ll have leftovers for lunch. I have been making little changes that make my life so much easier, so much lighter and more manageable, but that apparently feel like attacks to you. This is not how friendships and roommate-ships should be.
You told me I haven’t been giving you enough gas money. You never directly asked, just vague comments about how nobody ever gives you gas money. And anytime you did give me a number, I sent it. I’ve asked a few time how much you wanted. Am I supposed to give you money when you decide to go somewhere and then invite me along? I will if you ask, but I have a tight budget, so $20 really does matter to me right now. I asked about going to Glendale to hike that day, fully prepared to give you $10. But you decided you didn’t want to do that and we drove the mountains for like 8 hours. Was I supposed to give you $70 that day for the tank of gas? I’m getting the impression I was, except that I only had $10, because I only wanted to go to the Brand family grave site. I didn’t have $70 to give you even if you had asked me that day. Truly, I do not mind splitting gas to get to work together. How much does it cost to drive from our apartment to Hollywood and back? I won’t split parking. If I were driving, I’d park in the cheaper spot and take the train 1 stop. That is your personal preference and not my financial responsibility. And I have sent you money for parking in the past. And I was always going to send you money for the parking tickets. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the money to give you in the moment. I was getting ready for my trip home, and then financially recovering from my trip home.
I asked about Derek moving in with us. I said very specifically, “I do not want you to feel like you have to say yes. I am very much ASKING how you feel about the idea of him moving here with us.” You never said a word against it, just that you were nervous to live with a man like a week before he arrived. I asked what would happen if he couldn’t find a job. How are you going to feel if in 9 months he is still sitting around the apartment, not working and all depressed? You didn’t actually let me finish the question because, “Don’t worry, I’ll get him in at the Bowl.” Except he submitted 5 applications and called 7 times and he didn’t ever hear back. And then you got annoyed with him being home and started to accuse him, and I, of taking advantage of your parents and their money. Idk man, he was applying all the time. He was having a really hard time adjusting, and you just kept judging him for not doing better and for not doing what you would do. After a while, I started doing it too. That wasn’t cool of either of us. He had just done the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life. 6 months to a year to adjust is very normal.
I don’t know what I can do other than keep trying to communicate. But I don’t know how to communicate if you never make time for me. If planning to sit down together to talk about stuff gives you anxiety, idk what to say. Texting about this stuff gives me anxiety because you often assume the worst tone, and I never intend for it to be mean. I try to apologize when it comes across that way. I’ve asked if you want to plan a movie night. I’ve asked if you want to do a craft/paint night. I’ve asked about going for little morning hikes nearby. You keep saying “We have to go for margs soon!” But you never do get back to me. And you never extend an invite to any of your other plans. And it hurts that you only ever ask me to do things that cost money, or that happen on the weekend. It hurts when you suggest that I call out for a day to go do something fun. I don’t know how clear I can be, I simply cannot afford to skip getting paid to spend money, especially when you are saying things like “taking advantage of my parents” and “you’re not giving me enough gas money.”
Now, I think we have come pas the point of saying those kinds of things. We have talked about it in both of our recent conversations and agreed that it can’t be brought up by either of us again in an accusatory way. I almost feel bad putting it here, but the words are still bouncing around my head and the point of writing this is to get it out and to not feel bad about it. You said you didn’t want to sign another lease so we can preserve our friendship, but I already don’t feel like friends. You can sit in your room with our mutual coworker and watch a movie, leaving me alone in the living room all night, hearing you guys talk and laugh thru the door. So it was never about staying home for a night. It was about spending the time with me that was the problem.
It sucks being shut out when I’ve tried to be an open book - about finances, about my mental health, and about our living space. I’ve tried to accomodate everything you’ve asked - I didn’t ask you about your life enough, but now I ask too much and it’s prying and you don’t want to talk about it. I wasn’t in the living room enough, I was shutting myself away - Well now it feels like just Derek and I’s apartment and you can’t be in the common spaces. It seems like I’m not actually the problem and you’re projecting. Like now that I’m holding firm with my boundaries - not washing your dishes, asking you to work on the laundry thing, let us know if you’re about to take an hour long shower in the middle of the day, please please please just text us if you are having a guest over, especially in the middle of the night - now you’re so uncomfortable that we can’t sign another lease. But it was fine when I was doing everything and stressed out and had no time to do any of my own thing because I had to clean up your guys’ mess before I could even have a place to sit.
And I get that you’re working a lot, but I’ve been working 6 days a week since October. When we had our first big fight and I lost my shit back in February, and my mental health was shit, and I was coming home to you two sitting in the same spot again, gaming with a sink full of dishes, spending a lot of time alone and in a bad mood, it was “Forgive me for thinking I’d have a friend.” But when you work a lot, I’m just suppose to understand and be fine with you not asking about how I’m doing.
ugh ugh ugh.
Honestly, writing this out already feels better. I really don’t even know what I wrote here, but the spiral of words in my head is much smaller and slower.
If you read this, really please don’t tell me. These are literally all things I’ve already said out loud and most of them to the people I am “writing to” so it shouldn’t be any huge surprise to them, but I’m just really tired of feeling like I have to be the “good” girl and the “nice” girl and the “perfect” girl. I feel like I’ve been hiding my whole life trying to fit into this box of everyone else’s expectations. I want to throw up thinking about navigating all the voices, so please don’t give me yours too.
I recently went to the doctor, because I keep falling over, and also I’m stressed as fuck, so I figured I’d add a bill for blood-work to my life. But this place felt like a literal spa, and they had robes not gowns, and they were silk. And it just felt really nice and was worth every penny. Shout out to Tia Health Clinics. It was awesome.
