An Exercise in Overcoming Shame
I always be having hard conversations when I feel the worst.
Thanks for reading <3
A Song For The Road:
The second I realized a few people actually read this silly “blog” I stopped writing it. I haven’t announced any of my recent posts or updates.
The thought of the people closest to me, and those who might be just meeting me, reading my innermost dialogue, is terrifying. Unfortunately for me, this is the whole reason I started the fucking site, to not give a fuck and be real and not a fucking POS people pleaser and self-denier. And if I’m paying monthly for the site, then I’m going to grow, God Dammit.
I will be so clear, this is not any great writing. This is my bitching about my life, whining about my family, hating the government and our need for one, and the other random shit I happen to be perseverating on. It is not intended to be profound. I’m just pissed off.
In an effort to get back to it, things were going great. I was feeling pretty good about most things, and I still am, I think. Under the PMDD of it all, I like my life. But I just blew it up again. and I don’t think I want to fix it this time.
I’m really fucking lonely, but I don’t think I want company? I want to feel validated, but I also will combat anyone who tries to console me, because fuck you, I can do it myself.
today my big revelation was “That is still a good solution, even though it does not fix the whole problem.” I couldn’t find my AirPod case, or the singular pod I lost at some point in my night. It was a chaotic night. I was very stressed. I kept collapsing. My legs just won’t hold me up right now. Idk. It used to happen to my dad, so I do what he did and just keep moving thru it. Whatever it is just gets worse when I am stressed.
Anyway, I had emptied my whole bag, no luck, looked everywhere, I was lost. I thought I left them at work. I woke up Derek to ask if he found them in my pocket doing laundry late at night, but instead of asking the words I just burst into tears. idk how long I cried. He rubbed my back as I sat on the floor and bitched. But then I bitched too long and I hurt his feelings. He was still nice, but he stopped rubbing my back. That’s only fair. I think I woke Madison up. I feel bad about that.
Yesterday was really hard. There are a lot of hurt feelings. This year has sucked so much. If everyone is afraid of me, I don’t see how there can continue to be relationship. If my attempts to hang out and bids for communication feel like prying, then I don’t see how there is any relationship already. It makes me sad and makes my life precarious, so nothing is new.
This is bearable. This is survivable. It sucks, but I always have me. Stick to the routine. Stay the course. The feelings subside eventually. Tomorrow brings new hormones, I’m just a girl after all. ;)
Here is a bug I found. It’s a Ten-Line June Beetle.
