Pissed Off and Out Of Control
I love myself, but that doesn't mean anyone else does.
Thanks for reading <3
A Song For The Road:
Lately, I am trying to convince myself that I'm not too much to love. It seems that the more I find my voice, the more I have to say, the less anyone cares or wants to listen. The louder I get, the less people call and the fewer texts I get. The more I think I’m figuring it out, the more alone I feel.
Today, it was a tiff with my roommate. I made a joke based on a video clip I had seen - "Do you want to rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to vote for our household?" Personally, I thought it was hilarious. I was wrong.
Cue telling me I am saturating myself in politics and finding joy in nothing else and saying that I need to get a hobby. Because a blog isn't enough. Ukulele isn't enough. Reading books or crocheting or coloring isn't enough. Just tell me I am not enough. That I'm not coping well enough for your comfort. That I need to leave the apartment everyday just because you need to. Leaving the house costs money I don’t have.
I popped off and said if you don't have any suggestions, please stop telling me I need to change. I'm really over it. Politics are in everything and it's not my fault that that's life. What the fuck am I supposed to be doing right now? I literally just deactivated my Facebook account, because I do know what is best for myself, without someone else telling me what to do. I almost reactivated it out of spite because I FUCKING HATE being told what is best for me. Fuck you.
She then left for 5 hours without saying a word. Just picked up her keys and left, IGNITING my abandonment trauma, solidifying that I am indeed too much to want to be around. She is allowed to leave, but the timing felt shitty as fuck and a simple "I'm going out." would have been nice. But it was about me and it was about my reaction to being told how to live. It hurt my feelings quite a lot because I'm working harder than ever on myself right now, with no fucking help from a therapist or anyone. Just raw-dogging life and crushing it frankly. I think we are all allowed to be a little angry right now when white supremacists and Nazis are given airtime on CNN.
I've kept myself quiet for so long. I've tried to make everyone around me comfortable, twisting my soul into knots because I don't want to be all alone and I certainly didn’t want to upset anyone. But now? I'd rather be alone than be told how to live my life. I'm all done keeping quiet for the comfort of others. I deserve to be comfortable too. I feel safer keeping my eye on the news. At least nothing has been a surprise because we can see it coming miles away.
I'm tired of pretending that "it could never happen here." as it is legitimately happening here. I can't not see it. I can't ignore it. I can't keep quiet about it. I fucking won't keep quiet about it. I'm pissed the fuck off and I'm so done pretending that I'm some "Sweet, Kind, Polite girl". I am a goddman feral fucking monster and my family has always known it. Sorry you didn't pay attention, I guess.
This is why I was kicked out of my house. I was too much for my aunt. She didn't know how to control me and I made it clear that I'm not trying to control me, I'm trying to LIVE. This is why my ex is now my ex, because I wouldn't shut up about my rights as a woman in America, because I wouldn't stop talking about how DJT wanted to be an authoritarian leader. "But this is America and that would never happen here, Ally. We have checks and balances for a reason." Eat my ass, E.B.C. I was fucking right and you were just too scared to admit that.
Frankly, I'm tired of being right. About politics, about my family, and about being too much for people to enjoy my company. Oh fucking well. I'm finally being myself, unapologetically. If you don't like it, get the fuck off my rock. You can try to tell me what to do, but I'll say "Fuck you." right to your face and do whatever I want anyway. I've actually never been that nice, and I'm done giving myself ulcers to make you all comfortable. Life sucks, then you live. We are surrounded by brainless losers who need to control other people's lives to feel big. It's a societal scourge- control.
There is nothing to do but wait, keep learning, and keep fucking screaming. I know I’m going to patch things with my roommate, because she is a very kind, reasonable human. I know she did not intend to hurt my feelings. I know that I am not an easy woman to live with. I know that I am a lot and I am prone to making mountains. But the whole point of the blog is to have an outlet so. Here I am, bitching about it online.
A random Winter Day in Topsham, ME, Probably 2014?
