A Thought Spiral
I wrote this 6 months ago. Things are better, but i still have the rage of a thousand suns every morning.
Thanks for reading <3
A Song For The Road:
I have no clue what I am supposed to be doing right now.
I am so sick of waiting. Waiting for another job to call me back. Waiting for my ID in the mail. Waiting for payday so I can buy real groceries or pay rent. Waiting for someone to return a message or a call. Waiting waiting waiting.
I want to do something fun, but it's hard to justify when I already know I'm not making rent. I'd love to make some friends, but everything costs money that I don't have. I still need to buy new work shoes. I've been saying it since July, and I still haven't because any money that doesn't go to rent, goes to groceries. I don't know how to ask for help at 27. Why can't I be self-sufficient? Why am I struggling so hard to find a job? And how do I go about starting another business when I don’t have many contacts? I don't know where to begin.
I've applied for everything from cleaning to receptionist. But I'm still at square one.
I've been pissing off everyone I know talking about politics. I don't know how we can afford to not talk about what is going on in the world. I'm oversaturated. Every time I open a social media app - any of them - I am inundated with political content. I tried to read and I can't focus. Books are VERY political if you didn't know. I did manage to read a Junie B Jones, just to feel like a kid for a minute and I sobbed because I miss the kids in my family and I miss being a kid when I didn't know just how fucked up everything is. I try to watch a YouTube video about ancient Mesopotamia and it's political because Colonization has had its hand in every fucking part of our society. I tried to learn some more about my family history - alcoholism, control issues, and white assimilation.
I started this little blog because I know I am wearing people out. This shit is exhausting. But I don't know where I'm supposed to go to get a damn break. Art is political. Writing is political. Living is political. And right now it feels like everything is in crisis. And yet, here I sit, on my bed, with my laptop, writing about it. So objectively, I'm just fine. I'm not starving. My friend is one-of-a-kind and would never let me be homeless or hungry - and yet I am so deeply unfulfilled, lost, and searching.
I'd love to go back to school. I've been thinking about it a lot. Gone so far as to talk to a few programs, but again, I'm barely paying my rent. I'm definitely not paying my student loans, so how can I justify adding more? Would anyone even give me a loan? I don't have a credit card or a car. I don't know how long I’ll stay here in California, but I also don’t know how I’d end up somewhere else.
My mom says I'm good at getting ahead of myself. She's right, but also going in blindly without considering the potential roadblocks feels wrong too.
I don't have the cash today to even request my transcripts so it all feels rather impossible. All my life belongings are still in a storage unit in Maine, and it's looking like my boyfriend is going to end up paying to get it all here.
I just don't know what else to do, but wait. Submit another job application. And another. Wait some more. Clean the kitchen again. Stretch. Feel unfulfilled, but get through another day. Go to bed and start all over again… When I wake up the rage of a thousands suns can fill my body and I’ll breathe.
Doodle from the Spa
